Word Project: Day Twenty One

Ok.

No other words today. Just mine. 

This is important. Paisley’s birthday is in 9 days.

That means that today was the day, 4 years ago, that I was told that I would never take my daughter home from the hospital alive. Which is pretty horrendous. Moments like that become life defining. That’s where life becomes divided into “before” and “after”. 

65. I have 65 photographs of my daughter. Which almost sounds like a lot, except that those 65 are all I will ever have. EVER. No first smile, no first foods, no first day of school, no first date. That’s it. Just 65 pictures for a lifetime of love, loss and heartache. I got to spend time with my daughter only after she passed. 

Losing a baby is not only soul shattering, but expensive. But through the service offered by Heartfelt, a charity comprised of professional photographers, I have 65 beautiful, irreplaceable photographs that were taken with the utmost of love, care and respect, by someone who stepped aside from their own family, to volunteer their time so those photos could be gifted to me, without charge. It is the greatest gift I will ever be given.

Sadly, those 65 photos are an awful lot more than what some people have. Some families that face this devastating loss are left with nothing. They go home with empty arms, broken hearts and no recorded memories. It might be because they didn’t know about the service, or because it doesn’t exist where they are. Both need to change.

Which is why, I am asking you to take a moment to look up Heartfelt. This is an Australian charity set up by a man with a huge heart, who in my darkest time showed me personal kindness. I didn’t know they existed until I had to. Know about these people, because there could be a time where someone close to you needs them. Support them if you can, by way of donation to this appeal so that more families who need this service can be assisted. Because even a small amount will help. And what this charity does is priceless. 

https://www.mycause.com.au/page/127880/paisleys-4th-birthday

#purpleforpaisley

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Word Project: Day Twenty

This song was playing on the radio seemingly constantly around the time Paisley was diagnosed, born and buried. It’s still a melody that I associate with the long drives to the hospital, to the bitter cold and the beautiful sunsets, and the time  when I could feel the axis of my world change indefinitely. The lyrics were hauntingly perfect to me.

Florence + The Machine

Never Let Me Go

Looking up from underneath

Fractured moonlight on the sea

Reflections still look the same to me

As before I went under
And it’s peaceful in the deep

Cathedral where you cannot breathe

No need to pray, no need to speak

Now I am under all
And it’s breaking over me

A thousand miles down to the sea bed

Found the place to rest my head

Never let me go

Never let me go

Never let me go

Never let me go

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me

And all this devotion was rushing out of me

And the crashes are heaven for a sinner like me

But the arms of the ocean delivered me
Though the pressure’s hard to take

It’s the only way I can escape

It seems a heavy choice to make

And now I am under all
And it’s breaking over me

A thousand miles down to the sea bed

Found the place to rest my head

Never let me go

Never let me go

Never let me go

Never let me go

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me

And all this devotion was rushing out of me

And the crashes are heaven for a sinner like me

But the arms of the ocean delivered me
And it’s over

And I’m going under

But I’m not giving up

I’m just giving in
I’m slipping underneath

So cold and so sweet

And the arms of the ocean so sweet and so cold

And all this devotion I never knew at all

And the crashes are heaven for a sinner released

And the arms of the ocean delivered me

Never let me go

Never let me go

Never let me go

Never let me go

Deliver me

Never let me go

Never let me go

Never let me go

Never let me go

Deliver me

Never let me go

Never let me go

Never let me go

Never let me go

Deliver me

Never let me go

Never let me go

Never let me go

Never let me go
And it’s over

(Never let me go, Never let me go)

And I’m going under

(Never let me go, Never let me go)

But I’m not giving up

(Never let me go, Never let me go)

I’m just giving in

(Never let me go, Never let me go)

I’m slipping underneath

(Never let me go, Never let me go)

So cold and so sweet

(Never let me go, Never let me go)

https://youtu.be/zMBTvuUlm98

Word Project: Day Nineteen

I really enjoy writing, and find it very calming, but I often get overwhelmed by how much of what I want to say about grief has already been said. And said better than I ever possibly could.

Today’s words are one example of that. This is poignant and powerful. Beautiful and moving. And just infinitely perfect.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/10/bereaved-mothers-love/

Word Project: Day Seventeen

I didn’t write yesterday. I was going to try and catch up today, but the fact is, I’m tired. I tried to find a song or a quote that could summarise the grief I am feeling right now, but I can’t. The pain and anguish that is causing this particular grief spell is new to me, and I’m still trying to process how it is that this grief is causing me such unprecedented anger and resentment. I don’t have words for the longing in my heart, and the physical yearn in my stomach. 
I am tired. Utterly, feverently exhausted by grief.

I feel unloved.

I feel unappreciated.

I feel unworthy.

I feel unseen and unheard.

I feel completely pathetic.

I feel as though I must be an awful mother.

I feel misunderstood.

I feel as though I will never be enough.

I will never be complete.

I feel cheated.

I feel robbed.

I feel as though the huge, aching hole in my heart will never be filled, and I’ll never recover.

I feel as if I don’t deserve to recover. 

Word Project: Day Ten

No one wants to be a bereaved mother. Bereaved mothers don’t want to have be bereaved mothers. We don’t want to walk the path we do, but we have to, because we love our children despite their death.

When my daughter died, I had to learn who I was in this new world, which seemed so suddenly grey, where everything was off kilter, my balance was gone. I didn’t know who I was without my daughter. 

Missy Higgins 

Where I Stood

I don’t know what I’ve done

Or if I like what I’ve begun

But something told me to run

And honey you know me it’s all or none

There were sounds in my head

LIttle voices whispering

That I should go and this should end

Oh and I found myself listening

‘Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

‘Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white

That it was wrong or it was right

But you ain’t leaving without a fight

And I think I am just as torn inside

‘Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

‘Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won’t be far from where you are if ever you should call

You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all

But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you

This is what I have to do
‘Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

‘Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

https://youtu.be/c9QNRvXH1HI

On 30th June, Paisley will be 4. To honour her I am raising funds for Heartfelt, an amazing Australian charity of photographers who help the family to capture priceless memories of their children gone too soon. If you can, please consider supporting this outstanding organisation. 

https://www.mycause.com.au/page/127880/paisleys-4th-birthday

Word Project: Day Nine

I still find it hard to fathom how strong and overwhelming the desire to hold my baby is. I miss how soft and smooth her forehead was, how tiny her toes were, how she felt curled up in my hand, nestled in under my chin. Some days all I want is to see her again. The person who touched my soul in a way no one else ever will. The person responsible for so much of who I am, who is completely irreplaceable, and the person I long for most.

Kodaline

All I Want
All I want is nothing more

To hear you knocking at my door

‘Cause if I could see your face once more

I could die a happy man I’m sure

When you said your last goodbye

I died a little bit inside

I lay in tears in bed all night

Alone without you by my side

But if you loved me

Why’d you leave me?

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is,

And all I need is

To find somebody.

I’ll find somebody like you.
Oh oh

So you brought out the best of me,

A part of me I’ve never seen.

You took my soul and wiped it clean.

Our love was made for movie screens.

But if you loved me

Why’d you leave me?

Take my body,

Take my body.

All I want is,

And all I need is

To find somebody.

I’ll find somebody.
Oh

If you loved me

Why’d you leave me?

Take my body,

Take my body.

All I want is,

And all I need is

To find somebody.

I’ll find somebody like you.

Oh

https://youtu.be/mtf7hC17IBM

On 30th June, Paisley will be 4. To honour her I am raising funds for Heartfelt, an amazing Australian charity of photographers who help the family to capture priceless memories of their children gone too soon. If you can, please consider supporting this outstanding organisation. 

https://www.mycause.com.au/page/127880/paisleys-4th-birthday

Word Project: Day Eight

Some days are about surviving and nothing more. About being ok with being only just ok. About being alright. 

Adam Merrin

Still Alright 

When everything you have goes awayYou realize that nothing means a thing

(And) everything you thought was a big deal 

Now you see it all and what is real
When all you have just falls apart

Nothing seems to work out right, you’re trying

And you’re still alright

yeah, you’re still alright

yeah, you’re still alright

yeah, you’re still alright
When everything starts to feel the same

Everyone around you seems to change

You went along with me when things weren’t right

And when the morning slowly fadels to light

When all you have just falls apart

Nothing seems to work out right 

You’re trying
And you’re still alright 

https://youtu.be/ELRvYcdLTuE

On 30th June, Paisley will be 4. To honour her I am raising funds for Heartfelt, an amazing Australian charity of photographers who help the family to capture priceless memories of their children gone too soon. If you can, please consider supporting this outstanding organisation. 

https://www.mycause.com.au/page/127880/paisleys-4th-birthday

Word Project: Day Seven

4 years ago today, at 19 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I went for my routine morphology scan. It took a while longer than I expected. The baby was in an awkward position. The technician told us, unconvincingly and without enthusiasm, that we were expecting a girl, a stubborn girl who wouldn’t show her hand, but ultimately we left unsuspecting that anything was really wrong.

We’d been gone just long enough to buy a pink onsie, when we got THAT phone call. The one every pregnant woman dreads. The one telling you that your scan was abnormal and you should see you doctor immediately. The one where they tell you that 9 times out of 10 it means nothing, but “we just need to double check”. The one where they tell you, don’t worry, a soft marker can mean anything, and it’s usually fine. The one where no matter how many reassurances they give you, you hear that slight panic in their voice, and everything you knew, everything you expected, and everything you wanted starts to slip away. 

No one wants THAT phone call, because THAT phone call could mean your unborn baby is dying. THAT phone call could be the day the ground beneath you crumbles. THAT phone call could mean that in just over 3 weeks you would bring a baby into this world, but not a life, because that baby would be born still. THAT phone call could be on the last day, ever, where you were the you who hadn’t suffered insurmountable pain. THAT phone call could become the first of endless conversations you have with countless doctors, geneticists, obstetricians, paediatricians; faceless men and women in coats with clipboards and sad eyes. THAT phone call could be the one that leads you to ringing a funeral home to plan your daughter’s burial. You won’t know at the time, because it takes weeks to get a final diagnosis, but THAT phone call could be the day your world ends. 

Kate Miller-Heidke

The Last Day On Earth

Look down

The ground below is crumbling 

Look up

The stars are all exploding
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ho, hi (hi, hi, hi)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah (yeah, yeah, yeah)

It’s the last day on earth 

In my dreams (my dreams, my dreams) In my dreams (my dreams, my dreams)

It’s the end of the world 

And you’ve come back to me 

In my dreams 

Between the dust and the debris 

There’s a light surrounding you and me 
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ho, hi (hi, hi, hi)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah (yeah, yeah, yeah)

It’s the last day on earth 

In my dreams (my dreams, my dreams) In my dreams (my dreams, my dreams)

It’s the end of the world 

And you’ve come back to me 

In my dreams 
And you hold me closer than I can ever remember being held

And I’m not afraid to sleep now, if we can stay like this until 

It’s the last day on earth 

In my dreams (my dreams, my dreams) In my dreams (my dreams, my dreams)

It’s the end of the world 

And you’ve come back to me

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ho, hi (hi, hi, hi)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah (yeah, yeah, yeah)

In my head I replay our conversations 

Over and over til they feel like hallucinations 

You know me, I love to lose my mind 

And every time anybody speaks your name I still feel the same 

I ache, I ache, I ache inside

In my head I replay our conversations 

Over and over til they feel like hallucinations 

You know me, I love to lose my mind (it’s the last)

And every time anybody speaks your name I still feel the same 

I ache, I ache, I ache inside (day on earth)
I ache, I ache, I ache inside

I ache, I ache, I ache inside

I ache, I ache, I ache inside

https://youtu.be/KhQ5seprs6s

On 30th June, Paisley will be 4. To honour her I am raising funds for Heartfelt, an amazing Australian charity of photographers who help the family to capture priceless memories of their children gone too soon. If you can, please consider supporting this outstanding organisation. 

https://www.mycause.com.au/page/127880/paisleys-4th-birthday

Word Project: Day Five

Catch up on my June Word Project….

Day One

Day Two

Day Three

Day Four

Day Five….

My oldest daughter takes her middle name from this artist. This was a song that I had already loved for a long time, and then became a motto for the days that I only just survived. For me it represents the passage of time, and how very slowly, and how very quickly it passed by without her, all at once. How some days there was nothing good, but nothing as horrible as others. Some days, many days, were nothing but ok. 

Emiliana Torrini 

Today Has Been Ok

Friends tell me it’s spring

My window show the same

Without you here the seasons pass me by

I know you were not new

That loved like me and you

All the same, I miss you

Today has been okay, today has been okay

https://youtu.be/Ac_87o0UWUg

On 30th June, Paisley will be 4. To honour her I am raising funds for Heartfelt, an amazing Australian charity of photographers who help the family to capture priceless memories of their children gone too soon. If you can, please consider supporting this outstanding organisation. 
https://www.mycause.com.au/page/127880/paisleys-4th-birthday

Word Project: Day Four

Four years ago, when Paisley died, hardly any of my friends even had children, which meant I knew very few women who had experienced baby loss. Those that had reached out to me and shared their stories and heard mine, and one friend in particular was an absolute pillar of strength, she sat with me for hours on end, and listened to all my pain and cried with me. She was even with me when I gave birth to the Rainbow Princess. She was truly incredible.

But for the most part, I felt like nobody understood. I was so angry and battered, and completely and irrevocably changed, and I felt like a lot of people in my world just didn’t fathom how different I was. It was incredibly lonely, a lot of my friendships faded away, and I didn’t have the energy to chase them. I couldn’t be who people expected me to be, and I felt that they similarly couldn’t be who I needed, so friendships drifted. 

Over the following years my friendship group changed more and a few amazing women came into my life through my mothers group with the Rainbow Princess. There were women who didn’t know me in the before, but became wonderful friends who accepted me in the “after”.

Earlier this year, one of those friends rang me on The Sunshine Princess’s first day of school.

“I lost a baby” she whispered. 

She’d needed an emergency c section when her pregnancy became too dangerous to her life to continue. She was more than halfway through her pregnancy. Her son died in his daddy’s arms shortly after he was born. She didn’t get to see him alive. 

A few days later I watched her, sobbing, as she sobbed and her shoulders shook and her knees trembled as she watched her son’s coffin being lowered into the ground.

And that was when I realised that worse than feeling lonely because no one understands, is understanding exactly what that pain feels like. It’s knowing how deep and dark and earth shattering it is, and being unable to do anything, anything at all, to make it better for someone you love. It’s knowing that they will never be the same, it’s knowing what they face, it’s knowing how lonely they are going to feel too. It’s knowing that you, of all people, should know exactly what to say, but don’t. Knowing that you can’t make anything better, and can’t change how much suffering they will endure as they learn to live without their child, is terrifying. 

Today is the day her little boy should have been born alive. I’m broken for her.

Lifehouse

Broken 

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time

I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts

I am damaged at best, like you’ve already figured out

I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing

With a broken heart that’s still beating

In the pain there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on

I’m barely holdin’ on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head

I tried my best to be guarded, I’m an open book instead

And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes

That are looking for purpose, they’re still looking for life

I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing

With a broken heart that’s still beating

In the pain is the healing

In your name I find meaning

So I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’)

I’m barely holdin’ on to you

I’m hangin’ on another day

Just to see what you will throw my way

And I’m hangin’ on to the words you say

You said that I will, will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone

I may have lost my way now, having forgot my way home

I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing

With a broken heart that’s still beating

In the pain, there is healing

In your name, I find meaning

So I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’)

I’m barely holdin’ on to you

I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m barely holdin’ on to you

https://youtu.be/I6cdPeYJh0s

On 30th June, Paisley will be 4. To honour her I am raising funds for Heartfelt, an amazing Australian charity of photographers who help the family to capture priceless memories of their children gone too soon. If you can, please consider supporting this outstanding organisation. 

https://www.mycause.com.au/page/127880/paisleys-4th-birthday